


Written in Sand

by CJinn



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-05
Updated: 2019-09-07
Packaged: 2019-10-05 01:13:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 35
Words: 16,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17315285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CJinn/pseuds/CJinn
Summary: The moment Obi-Wan Kenobi left Polis Massa with little Luke he was given an empty book by Bail Organa. The diary became his friend through the first harsh time on Tatooine.





	1. Dear Diary

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Shadows](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15317235) by [CJinn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CJinn/pseuds/CJinn). 



> This diary is written as a result of a Dear Diary challenge for 2019 in TFN. Thus the postings will first appear on TFN and then gradually be transferred here. Chapters are intended to be very short as a regular diary would be. 
> 
> The story will to some extent follow the basic storyline from my own story "Shadows", but in a more introspective way. I will try to avoid rewriting the story though, but you're hereby warned.

Oh, Force. What have I done? I promised to bring young Luke to his family on the star forsaken dustball that is Tatooine, but I forgot one very important thing. I know nothing about infants, let alone newborn ones. Nobody even asked me to do it, I volunteered. Stupid, stupid, stupid Kenobi. Of all the unbelievable stupid things I have ever done in my life, this must be among the top 10. And even there it's ranking high.

But, to my excuse, there weren't anyone else available to do it. Bail has to take Leia back home to Breha, and sending Yoda all the way to Tatooine with a wailing infant that is almost half his size already? Impossible. So, it had to be me. We couldn't involve anyone else in this mess.

 Fortunately he's been asleep almost since we left and I really really really hope it will stay that way for a long time yet. I simply don't know what to do when he awakens. I never had anything to do with the infants in the creche. I came to good terms with the older initiates but I kept well clear of the smaller ones.

 For some reason I asked Bail to give me this book. I feel that I have to keep track on what's happening from now on. It's probably even more stupid than believing I can take care of a baby. Maybe it's a way of getting the last few days horrendous events out of my system. I think no meditation can do that, but maybe putting words to it can?

 One day, eons from now, days like these will appear like written in sand? Right?


	2. Stillness

Can this be normal? We got away from Polis Massa undetected and I had really hoped that young Luke would be quiet. And he was. I actually had to check ever so often whether he was breathing or not. I had feared he would be wailing like the sirens when the hull of a spaceship is broken by the laser guns of a separatist ship, but he was actually totally quiet for several hours and even when he decided to make himself heard it was only muted whimpering. I think that must be the first luck I've had for months.

We managed to get onboard the transport ship without being detected by any of Sidious' lackeys. I refuse to entitle him Chancellor anymore. That title was made for a more worthy man. I found this relatively quiet corner of the compartment so if I can keep Luke quiet for at least the first leg of our mutual journey, maybe, just maybe I can keep us unnoticed. The further we can get out into the outer rim without anyone seing us, the safer we will be.

Speaking of which, a bearded, rugged, scorched man carrying a newborn baby and writing in a real book while travelling towards the outer rim may not be something one sees to often. I have to put the book away for a while and try to blend in a bit more.

How do I appear normal?


	3. What you Wish for

Oh. Oh… For once I got what I wished for. Luke woke up, and I can certainly say that the boy has lungs. And they work very well, thank you. I believe the entire compartment woke up at the same time he did. And in the moment he began to wail I realised that I'm _so_ misplaced right now. I didn't have a clue of what to do. Finally an elderly woman felt sorry for me and helped me, or rather Luke, out. Great. I must be the best caretaker in the world. I managed to get a book with me, but no food for the little one. Fortunately her daughter, or was it daughter in law, was able to nurse him so right now he's full and content. And quiet. Thank the Force.

By the way, I seem to have changed now. When she reached out for me I needed to present me with a name. I couldn't really say 'General Kenobi', could I? And I wasn't sure about the Obi-Wan thing either, so I just grasped the first name that came to my mind. So, now I'm officially Ben, I guess. I have no idea where that came from. I think maybe Siri used to call me that sometimes when she wanted to be really annoying. Oh, well, I guess it was better than Chun Bruck's 'Oafy-Wan', anyways 

Force, I'm rambling again. I have real trouble coming up. The elderly lady reminded me that I will need diapers for Luke too. We can buy that and some milk in a market nearby the next port before continuing our journey. 

I fear the worst. That part of being a caretaker will be less than pleasant. What have I gotten myself into?


	4. Gore

I've done it. I've changed my first diaper. Well, not mine obviously, but Luke's. I found the right booths in the market the lady mentioned to me and I was able to buy both diapers and some milk. Luke drank the milk with good appetite, but with intake of milk something comes out…

Changing diapers is not, and will not be, my favourite pastime.

I have seen all kinds of blood and gore throughout the three years of war, but believe me, Luke took it to an entirely new level. Who would have thought that such a small person could make so much, well, gore? I did not. Now I know better.

It took me a while to get him somewhat cleaned up. I can tell, there aren't very good facilities for cleaning a baby's butt onboard 4th class on a passenger ship, but somehow I managed. I even managed to get a clean diaper fairly well attached to him, so now he's sound asleep again.

Maybe I can do this caretaker thing after all?

Oh, no. What was that sound? And that odour?


	5. Tired

We came to Tatooine at mid-day today and I was a bit bewildered of what to do. The only thing I've experienced from this planet before is sand, and lots of sand. After all the last time I, no we, were here I was stuck out in the sand dunes with the not-Queen and the ship and the crew while Qui-Gon and the real Queen got all the fun. Well, they had to take Jar-Jar with them and I assume that would be punishment enough for sentient beings.

At least that was what I thought then. I may have changed my mind later on. There really are worse creatures than Jar-Jar Binks.

All I know about Tatooine is what Anakin told me, and the little I know from the courses back in my padawan days. It's a harsh place, rough and unforgiving. Slavetrading is an acceptable way of living and the Hutts rule almost everything here.

Thank the Force that the Lars' homestead is way out there somewhere. At least it will be far away from slavers and Hutts. According to Anakin it is fairly close to Anchorhead, so I need to find a way to get there. If it were only me it would have been easy, but I have little Luke too. I'm really a mess at caretaking. And Force, I'm so tired. I don't really know when I slept last time. First it was Utapau and then the Temple….and Mustafar. And now this. I must have slumbered every now and then during the flights but I'm so blasted tired now.

I found this little guesthouse. It was fully booked but the receptionist actually managed to find me this cramped space in the attic. I think Luke is as clean as he could possibly be with the water restrictions here.

Even that bulky couch seems tempting now. I better try to sleep before I collapse. Please, let me sleep without dreams. I wonder if I could give myself a sleep suggestion?


	6. Anchorhead

Oh, this has been a most eventful day indeed. I actually managed to get some sleep on that couch and I felt somewhat better when I woke up. I got Luke ready for a new day's adventures without too much trouble, which right now means no burping on my shoulder after feeding him, and no peeing up my sleeve when changing diapers. Never, ever, wear a robe when you're changing diapers on a baby. I learned it the hard way yesterday. Fortunately the guesthouse had a sonic so I got both myself and my clothes somewhat cleaned up. What little water I could get out of the tap was used for a much needed bath for Luke. Good thing he is so small that he didn't need much water to be soaked. He seems a lot happier now. Fortunate that Lars' is a moisture farmer. Hopefully they can afford to give him a bath every now and then. At least while he's so tiny.

We checked out from the guesthouse in the early morning hours. I wanted to hit the road before the suns were high in the sky. (Who am I fooling? Road? Here? ) This place is really unbelievably hot.

The receptionist this morning was thin and wiry. She must have lost all her rations to the one that was here yesterday. But she was fairly kind as well and could inform me of where to find the shuttle to Anchorhead. I really hated to ask but I needed to find it quickly. I could not afford to stay in Mos Eisley for long. It would be too dangerous even though the Empire hasn't found their way out here yet. I couldn't and cannot get noticed.

Under other circumstances the trip to Anchorhead would have been amusing. Imagine being tucked into a rusty can with engines. That's how the shuttle appeared. It was far worse than even the worst spaceships at the Temple, and believe me - they weren't luxury. My, no our, fellow travellers were all kinds of species and their luggage was even more intriguing. Obviously they needed to take all their bits and pieces inside, and I mean everything. The pilo-hen cages went fairly well, their inhabitants just made a terrible noise, but when a rhodian tried to squeeze in a nerf the shuttle pilot refused. The nerf party had to use the evening shuttle. I'm so glad for rising early. Wouldn't have enjoyed being on that one.

The hen cages brought with them some benefits, though. When Luke wanted his lunch nobody heard his wails over the infernal cackling from the hens.

By mid-day we arrived at Anchorhead, and by some miracle we were on schedule. I have no idea how that happened. I hid Luke under my robe to protect him from the suns if not from the heat. The latter is impossible I think. It seems like he understood that now was a good time to be quiet because he made no sounds at all, and it appeared like I just had a bulky bag stuffed under my robe.

I quickly decided to try to buy an eopie. They seem to be the preferred transport animal for the locals and I want to blend in as much as I can. I assumed it would bring me to the Lars' homestead quicker than just by walking and I didn't dare to ask for any more shuttles. I simply had to leave no traces behind on that place.

The negotiations were short but remarkable friendly. I'm not sure if I was fooled or not but I believe I got a good bargain. The eopie I bought is quite young and I managed to get the saddle and the reins as a part of the deal. It cost me 100 credits but that can't be too bad? Not out here. It's the first time I actually feel I've earned the nickname "Negotiator".


	7. The Homestead

Oh, I fell asleep while writing last evening. Obviously the journey through the desert took it's toll on me. After I got the eopie I tucked Luke under my robe (again) and mounted the animal. I sort of prefer transport that involves two or four legs. (Not overly fond of more legs than that, though.) I still miss faithful Boga which saved my life on Utapau when the clones opened fire upon me. Well, she might not have liked the desert. I sure don't. It's…too much sand.

I must admit, though, that it beholds it's own beauty. When we approached the Lars' farm it was nearly evening and I could se dust devils dancing in front of us. It has to be that huge mountain range in the south which creates the gushes of wind. The eopie had made good progress through the desert so we actually made it before nightfall.

Beru Lars came out to meet us. On the contrary to her husband she seems to be a very warm and kindhearted woman. Owen Lars seems to be more reserved. Especially towards Jedi. Well, especially towards me, actually. At first he didn't even want to greet me, but after a while I got the explanation. He had a close relationship to his stepmother, Shmi, and felt that the Jedi had denied her contact with her beloved son. Which, in a way, is true, I guess. Thanks to Beru's hospitality I was allowed to stay overnight though.

But we agreed that I shall keep away from this place.

I will keep my promise in that respect. Mostly. I do not want to bring danger to their home and it would not be good if someone spotted a Jedi on their doorstep. But I will watch from afar. In case they need me, I'll be there in a moment.

I said goodbye to Luke last evening. I brought him outdoors and we looked upon the stars. The entire galaxy is out there and if he had been allowed the life he was born to I'm sure his father would have shown him most of it as soon as he was old enough. Instead it has come to this - he's an unaware refugee here and I'm most certainly wanted by the entire Empire now, in case someone suspects I've survived.

I'll miss that little fellow. Without him I'm not sure if I could have made it this far. I would have broken down in a heap of sobbing mess long before even leaving Polis Massa. No, can't think of that now. Luke will get a good life here with his new parents. Beru will love him. She already does, and Owen will take good care of him as well.

If not, a very harsh jedi will turn up at his doorstep and tell him some truths about caring for younglings.


	8. Mirage

I really, really don't like the desert. I've been here for approximately one day now, well two if I count in the journey from Anchorhead, and I don't like it a bit. Honestly, I have no idea of where to go or what to do. I don't know what I expected. Throughout the day I wondered whether my subconsciousness had got the idea that I could stay with the Lars' and become Luke's favourite uncle. If that was what I imagined my head is in an even worse condition than I thought.

I'm clueless .

What is clear to me is that I cannot stay right here. I will need shelter and I will need water. The water Beru sent with me will not last for long. But where in all the Sith hells, no - bad expression right now- can I find that here out in the middle of absolute nowhere? I think I just have to head for the mountains. At least I can find shelter for the sun there. I hope.

I can most certainly not stay here in the middle of the desert. I probably couldn't anyway, but definitely not after today. It was horrible.

It was about mid-day when I thought I heard screams and I turned the eopie to check in case someone were in danger. But the desert was totally empty. Instead I got some kind of flashbacks which were not my own. I saw a burning village and I saw a tall being murdering an entire tribe of tuskens.

Force, I believe what I saw was Anakin. If it wasn't a mirage. I pray that it was.

There was so much pain. So much grief. So much anger.

Don't let it be Anakin.

It's hard enough living with what I saw in the Temple. It's hard enough knowing what happened on Mustafar. Knowing that he did something here - it would be totally devastating. It would have been so long ago that I should have seen it coming. I _should_ have seen it. I was his Master for Force's sake, how could I not. And I didn't I knew he was restless, I knew he had the youth's overconfidence in himself for such a long time, but Force, if what I saw happening here was really true and it was Anakin, then he must have fallen so long ago. And I never, ever noticed. How could I not see something as dark and terrible like that?

How could I not?

He was my Padawan, my responsibility.


	9. Sadness

After last day's events I really made up my mind. I had to head for the mountains. There is really no way that I can survive out in the open desert. The Tuskens can, and the Jawas too, but I cannot. At least not yet. I still have much to learn about this I found my way here. There is a glimmer of hope here. I can see traces of vegetation, but I'm not going into the mountains tonight. I want to be able to see how it appears.

I must be more exhausted than I thought, because after the horrible sights from what I believe must have once been an old Tusken camp, I really thought I heard my Master's voice for a moment. By all of Hoth's ice caves, the man is dead. He died fifteen years ago, and I witnessed it. Dead men doesn't speak.

But the Tuskens did. Sort of.

So for a moment I chose to believe I actually heard his soothing voice.

Sometimes I fear I bring death to those close to me. There have been so many. First there was Bruck Chun even though we weren't close in that context. Then it was Tahl and Qui-Gon. And Siri. And Satine. And now, Force help me, most of the Jedi Order. And Anakin. I wasn't the direct reason for them passing, at least not all of them, but yet I feel responsible.

And I wonder why I have to live on? Why couldn't Cody and his men have hit me? I don't deserve to live. Why me, when so many other good men and women didn't? And yet, there's still too much Jedi in me to throw myself over my lightsaber and fix it myself. I promised to watch over Luke and that's exactly what I'm going to do, no matter what.

He's the only one I have left.

Tomorrow I'll be going into the mountains and with some luck (Oh, who am I fooling? Luck? Me?) I'll find a place to settle down.


	10. Home Sweet Home

Today has been a most eventful day. I've found myself a home, I believe. After a bad nights sleep I woke up and realised that Emphie had disappeared. (Yes, I've actually named the eopie.) I couldn't spot her anywhere in the desert so I came to the conclusion that she must have continued towards the mountains. She sure had. I didn't have to search for long until I found her. She was probably hungry because she'd found her way into a valley which cannot be seen from the desert and there was actually some vegetation. Not much, but I assume an eopie takes what little it can get.

And more important, where there's vegetation of some kind, there's also water. Who should have thought that. Real, natural water. Here? On Tatooine.

I was flabbergasted.

I began to search for the well where the water must come from, but I found none. What I found, was almost as interesting though. I found a staircase. It was nothing like the grand staircase leading up to the Temple. It was rough and obviously made from natural rocks, but it really was there.

I let Emphie enjoy the bushes while I climbed up. Hopefully she won't leave as long as she can find something to eat and some water. I really wouldn't like to have to cross the desert by foot next time I check on Luke. I was counting on that I might find a neighbour who would not be overly happy to see me so I proceeded with some caution. Who would ever think about settling down here on purpose? Oh, well, I guess I do, actually.

But there was no need for fear. The cave or shed or whatever it is had obviously been abandoned long ago because no angry desert hermit came running out to blast me into oblivion. Instead I probably scared the wits of some desert rodents that obviously had claimed this place. I guess I have to challenge the small furry creatures about the right to this property. After all they can settle down in smaller places than I.

i was surprised to see some water trickling down a wall in the inner part of the cave. It seems like most of this place is a natural cave in the mountainside and that someone has built an outer wall to close it off. I have no idea where the water come from. My best assumption is that it somehow condensates higher up in the mountains and trickle down here.

So, from now on this will be my "Home Sweet Home". It's actually relatively cold in here and when I find something to close off the entrance with, I may even keep the night chill away. I haven't frozen as much through a night as I did the last couple of nights since I was on Illum finding the crystal for my lightsaber.

Tomorrow I'll start fixing up the place, unless the "revenge of the rodents" kill me throughout the night. I hope they don't come back with family and friends to get me out of here.

And, I hope I don't choke from all the dust before morning comes.


	11. Housecleaning

There was no "attacked by rodents" incident through the night. Actually the night proceeded as peacefully as can be expected right now. Which means I hardly slept at all. Apart from the accidental nightmares I was sneezing the entire night. I really should have cleaned up this place before I went to bed. Well, since I don't have a bed per se, I guess I went to the floor. Er…that expression reminds me of outer rim bar fights. Maybe I'll rewrite it later?

So, before the suns rose I was up and found my way down the stairs again. I definitely needed something to wipe out the dust and sand from this place, and some branches and twigs from the bushes down in the valley would do fine. The rodents had gnawed their way through most of the old furniture that was in here. Which in practice means a sleeping mat and some kind of a stuffed chair. I really wonder how that came here? Who would ever carry such a monstrosity out here in the wilderness?

I assume I'll never get an answer to that. It's a pity actually. It sort of reminded me of Qui-Gon's stuffed old armchair back home. For a moment, just before I fell asleep, I could almost see Qui-Gon sitting comfortably in it. I must have drifted off to sleep.

I threw it out. I guess the heat from the suns will kill most of the bugs that may have occupied it so I can use it to lit a fire later on. Not that I compare my old Master to a bug, of course.

I managed to tie together a fairly efficient broom from the twigs so now my new quarters are reasonably clean. Well, at least free of sand. Mostly. I guess that's the best I can hope for in this place.

I will need to get to Dannar's Claim eventually. I need a sleeping mat and some tools, but for now I'll have to make do with what I can find of twigs and then the blankets Beru Lars gave me. It will be more comfortable than many other places I've slept through the years but in the long run I prefer a proper sleeping mat.

I found an old evaporator outside the cave too. If I can get that one working again I might even get water enough to wash my clothes every now and then. For now, I just have to put them out in the sun as well, and leave them there until evening. I do not like the thought of walking around without any clothes on, but they're simply too sweaty and dusty now. The scolding heat should dry them out and to some extent cleanse them - I hope.

Hopefully there won't be any Tusken bypassers until I'm decently dressed again. I really would not like to engage in a fight right now. It would be so…undignified.

Actually, I hope there won't be any Tuskens at all.


	12. Evening Visit

I'm beginning to doubt my own sanity. Yesterday evening, just after going to bed I imagined seeing Qui-Gon again. It's truly scary. Am I so messed up that I begin to hallucinate? And why in all the nine red hot glowing Sith hells is it only him I see. Why don't I hallucinate other beings? Like friends from the Temple…or…Force help me, Satine. That would have been a nice encounter. At least if she appeared like she did when being alive.

Not that I don't miss my Master, though, because I do. I've long ago come to terms with his death, but I've never stopped missing him and his advice, but yet - I shouldn't have hallucinations like that. Maybe I'm getting ill? That would certainly not be the best of ideas right now. It's really not like I could find some healer nearby if needed be. Actually, that is a benefit. Probably one of the very few I have here.

But I feel well, at least physically. Mentally, not so much. The responsibility for this whole mess weighs heavily on my shoulders. Every night when I try to sleep my thoughts keep swirling trying desperately to find something I could have done differently to prevent Anakin from falling.

Was I too stern? Too lean? To forgiving when I should have been stern? Didn't I manage to teach him the code properly? How come I didn't see his relation with Padmé develop? Could I have stopped it if I'd known?

I try to abandon these thoughts from my mind when they turn up, but it's getting tougher every day. There is simply not enough to focus on right now. I fear I will break one day, and Force, if I ever start crying, I have no idea when it will stop. Will it _ever_ stop?

Oh, now I can see Qui-Gon again. He's leaning towards the stone bench where I've decided to do my cooking. He…seems so real. And there, when I look closer and really focus - there's nothing there. As it should be.

I'll try to sleep.

I must _not_ cry.


	13. Tatooine Flooding

I cried.

Those who say that Jedi don't cry are wrong. I don't know how it happened, because I was determined to not let it happen but last night I woke from my slumber with tears flooding my face. I believe I dreamt about Anakin's first birthday after we became Master and Padawan.

What kind of Master am I? Or, was. I presume the correct thing would be using past tense.

How could I let my Padawan walk down that dark path and let him turn into a Sith? Why didn't I notice?

I feel so empty. It's like every ounce of life and laughter has left my body. Force knows it wasn't much of that left during the war anyways, but I'm wrung inside out. There is nothing left of me, only this empty shell.

If I had been quicker, Qui-Gon wouldn't have died, and he would have trained Anakin. He would have done a much better job than I. I was too young. If I hadn't been so incredible stupid and being imprisoned by Dooku on Geonosis, nobody would have had to save me (Force how I wish they hadn't done that) and maybe, just maybe, the Clone Wars wouldn't have begun. I was and unwilling and unknowing catalyst of it all. It was all caused my incredible stupidity.

Carrying a Galaxy's miserable fate on ones shoulders is a heavy weight to carry.

Killing one's Padawan, well - ex-Padawan- isn't good either.

There are so many things I should have done differently. And I can't.

It's done. Over with. There is nothing more I can do. They're all dead and gone. My people. My family. My friends.

And there the floodgates opened again. I wonder if I will ever stop crying.


	14. Hallucinations

I haven't been writing much recently. I've been to busy with - well coping with everything I guess. I'm definitely not doing an admirable job at that. Far from it.

I'm not crying quite as often now, but instead I'm having hallucinations. I'm not very good at sleeping, but every night when I try I can sense someone in the room with me. But I know it's empty because when I open my eyes there are no-one there.

And yet…there has been evenings when I've gone to bed and I have somehow imagined Qui-Gon sitting on the bench watching over me with that concerned expression he sometimes had when he was sitting by my bed at the Healer's Ward back home.

No. I must stop that. "Home" is gone. It's not there anymore.

For the last two nights when I've awoken screaming I've practically heard Qui-Gon's soothing voice telling me to calm down and don't cling to the emotions. As if I could. They're clinging very tight to me, thank you very much. I could manage quite well without them, actually.

Can a hallucination be both heard and seen? Because I do both, just not simultaneously.

Oh, how I wish that it was real. Having Qui-Gon with me here would have been an immense relief. What bothers me most, apart from the fact that the galaxy is ruled by a Sith Lord, that my friends and Padawan are dead, that my home is in ruins and that I'm more than partly guilty of it all, is the loneliness out here. It even surprises myself. I thought that I would cope very well on my own, but instead I find that it gives too much room and time for…well, thinking.

Less thinking would have been good.

I simply cannot stop blaming myself for this mess. I started the war by getting caught on Geonosis. I trained the Chosen One who now is so terribly unchosen. If he was meant to bring balance to the Force, then he did so by enhancing the dark side and how could that ever be a part of a Jedi prophecy?

Yes, I do feel responsible. And, by the Force, so terribly lonely.

I must be the worst Jedi Master ever.


	15. Ghost

By all the moons and stars - I have gone ravingly insane. That must be the explanation. Today I actually saw the ghost of my old Master and it spoke to me. There is no way in this world such a thing can happen. Is it?

But it…he…whatever… it is did. It was just like hearing Qui-Gon's voice again, and Force alone knows how often I have longed for that throughout the years. I've heard his voice for some days now, but tonight after an -even for my standards- horrible nightmare about a dark amor clad being, he turned up and he actually laughed at me. Laughed! At me?

I'm not the one who's blue and foggy here!

After hearing his voice repeatedly I challenged him to show himself and he did. First a blue fog was forming and then it took the shape of a human being. My Master. And he somehow seemed to solidify because finally he seemed solid enough, -normal enough for me to touch.

Not that I did. The blue color didn't disappear totally so it seemed somehow a bit…not right to touch him. So I didn't. As I write this I'm actually doubting my own senses. I cannot believe I saw what I saw. It's not…well, it is defying the laws of nature. When you die, you become one with the Force. That's what we were taught. One does not become a seemingly solid figure, radiating a blue aura. It's just not right.

And yet…

Yoda told me. Before I left Polis Massa he said that my old Master would have lessons for me. I thought he was just…well, I don't know…overexerted, but now? I really don't know. He, it, whatever, really sounded like Qui-Gon. Not that he speaks loudly to me, but I can hear his voice in my head and it is just like it was the day he died. Deep and soothing and filled with humor.

I hope it's him. I think.

It would be so nice to have…someone. Even though said 'someone' is just a Force ghost.

No, Master, stop. Don't tug my hair. I do NOT have a padawan braid anymore.

Obviously he's here now even though I can't see him.

Master, I don't mind that you read my notes, but please try to be polite.

Oh, what am I saying?

Admonishing a ghost for being impolite must be a maximum level of lunacy.


	16. Realisations

Qui-Gon turned up again today. He really must be the most undisciplined ghost ever. I supposed a ghost would appear at night, but he chose to appear in full daylight. Oh, well, he wasn't very good at following the rules while he was alive either so somehow that little thing makes sense.

If one can say that me seing ghosts, uh..ghost, makes sense.

I don't know. I'm not sure about anything right now.

Still, Qui-Gon and I had the most enlightening conversation. He told me that he'd been following me almost all the time since he passed away. I really should have known back then. If I'd know I would have found a way to communicate with him no matter what. I would really have needed his advice.

I asked him why he didn't make any attempts of contacting me and he explained that he wasn't able to at that time. Somehow it seems that becoming a Force ghost is something you need to practice to be able to do. I didn't understand much of it. Seems like I may learn to know it later because he confirmed what Yoda told me: I will be taught what I need to become…like him when my time is up.

I'm not sure whether I want to or not.

I mean, Force, if this life is representative for my potential continued existence I really think I would prefer passing quietly into the Force.

On the other hand, he said he was there for me when I was in trouble, even though I didn't sense him. That must have cost him. The only time he really reached out for me was when I was imprisoned by Ventress on Rattatak. I vaguely remember a familiar voice, his voice, telling me not to give up. Never give up. And definitely not let her win. So I didn't. I wouldn't have anyway, but feeling that someone was there for me, even though I thought it was only my own hallucinations made it easier to withstand her torture.

So, if I take up his offer and start the training now, maybe I could do some good for others when my time here in the sand is over?

I would like that, I think. Maybe ghosts aren't so troubled by the heat and sand and general lack of comfort? I really need to ask him that question before I accept.

Should I accept?


	17. Ghostmaking and Homemaking

I have made up my mind. I accepted Qui-Gon's offer to train me to become like him. I'm still not sure about this entire Force ghost thing, but when I pledged my oath to the Jedi Order I promised to serve the Order and the Galaxy, or maybe the other way around. Since this chance has been placed before me I assume it's the will of the Force.

That was pretty much what Qui-Gon told me too.

My Master can be very persuasive when he wants to, and according to him preparing for becoming a ghost is easier when the preparations begin while one still is alive.

Force, what am I saying?

I'm really planning to become a ghost?

I think the sun, or rather the suns, must have dried away what little brain I once had. I talk like a madman. You cannot plan to be a ghost, for Force's sake. Ghosts don't exist.

Ow, Master, I still don't have a Padawan's braid anymore!

I have a feeling that these lessons will be most interesting, indeed.

In-between the madness (I apologize, Master) and the "How to become a ghost" planning I have tried to make myself familiar with my new home. I got this fabulous idea that I should use some of the bushes down in the valley to make my "mattress" a bit more forgiving. It was not the wisest thing I've ever done. I obviously need to learn more about the vegetation here. How could I know that there were hidden thorns in the branches and that they appeared when enough weight was placed upon them? It took a while to get those spikes out of my backside. Unfortunately my blue companion couldn't materialise enough to assist me in that task. Well, he was too busy laughing anyways.

However, this is obviously going to be my permanent home from now on and even though a Jedi does not crave comfort, I assume that a half decent sleeping mat would be acceptable. One of the upcoming days I believe I will take the chance and ride over to Dannar's Claim to visit the general store Beru told me about. I will need some basic food as well. The proviant I got from Beru is getting sparse and even though living of what the nature can offer sounds all good, there simply _isn't_ much nature around here to live from. I really believe the eopie is better adapted to that than I. I will have to go there some time within the next week.


	18. Surroundings

I'm still in the "planning to go to Dannar's Claim" mode, but today I chose to inspect my surroundings a bit more thoroughly. I went down in the valley to check on Emphie and made an impulsive decision to explore the surroundings further.

I followed the valley into the mountain. A couple of klicks further in it widened and showed a rather wide, open grassland. For sure, it wasn't anything like the grasslands on greener planets like Ansion, but yet…

I saw the remainders of something that might have been built by sentient beings once upon a time. I wonder if Tuskens used to live here in ancient days, and by the Force, if so I wonder even more why they actually left? I couldn't feel any warnings in the Force and since there actually is more vegetation than I've seen on the rest of the planet so far, I doubt that the soil is poisoned by anything. Still, I wonder why the Tuskens haven't moved in ages ago?

I couldn't solve the puzzle there and then so I continued up into the mountains. A narrow path was leading between the steep mountains and a new valley opened up. This one is clearly inhabited and I do not plan to visit soon. It was more open and inviting than on the lower altitudes but up here the vegetation is just as sparse as the one I've been accustomed to see.

The fauna is another matter indeed. I have neighbours and they are a scary lot. The hillsides were covered with large caves and from a couple of those I could see something that probably was huge tails. I suspect a clan of krayt dragons live here. I've sometimes heard them roaring in the night but I didn't suspect there were so many of them so close. I'd better leave them in peace. They're known to be rather grumpy. I really don't think "to know me is to love me" would work very well in this neighbourhood.

There may be a good thing having that kind of neighbours, though. It may keep other beings away. Even the Tuskens respect the krayt dragons and I really hope they continue that way. And I most certainly hope the inhabitants of Dannar's Claim do so as well. As it is per now they represent the main threat for me. If they discover my hideout and recognise me, I may be in deep shit if the clone troopers ever come this far.

Speaking of which - I really have to take that trip to Dannar's.


	19. Dannar's Claim

Force, I'd postponed the trip to Dannar's Claim long enough but if I'd knew this morning what I know now, I'd not gone there. At least not today. On the other hand - if I'd already knew there wouldn't have been any reason for not going.

Kriff it! I just wish I hadn't known. This is too much.

I set out early in the morning after an evening of lectures from Master Qui-Gon on how he managed to become a Force ghost. Obviously that was more difficult for him than it will be for me, unless I get myself killed before the time has come. In this climate it's good to utilise as much as possible of the night chill for travelling.

The trip was uneventful. I could find Emphie waiting for me down in the valley and despite it's been a few days since we arrived she made no objections when I put the saddle on her back again. Which is a good thing. It would been a long walk and difficult for me to carry all the things I need by myself.

On my way there I could see traces of feet in the sand. Obviously a group of Tuskens have passed by during the night. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. They seem to leave me alone but to be sure they don't wreak havoc on my, admittedly sparse, belongings I made a very solid rock my door. Force lifting has it's advantages. If they want to break in they really have to work for it.

I came to Dannar's Claim before noon and it's really a…hole. A few scattered buildings around the general store and that's it. There were no people to see, and I'm not sure if that is good or bad. I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb, but on the other hand there were nobody there to actually see me, I hope.

Well, none except the lady behind the counter. She was friendly enough though, and very efficient. While she was looking for all the bits and pieces I needed (and in particular the much anticipated sleeping mat) I watched holonet on a screen on the wall in the cantina part of the store. I'm not quite sure of how new the 'news' are out here but I really got a shock. The Empire (oh, it still hurts just thinking about 'Empire' instead of 'The Republic' ) is hunting down escaping jedi and in charge of that task is a frightening…droid? Or something. I have no idea what it is, but it's scary as a Sith. The Emperor presented it as 'Lord Vader' so one should believe it's one sentient being, but on the other hand it seems to be some kind of an overgrown droid. It's all black and carries a black cloak. It's just…weird.

But it wasn't the appearance that scared me. I've seen scary beings before. No, the scary part was that for a moment I felt like a pang of something familiar, something I've lived with for years. I felt….Anakin. Or, maybe not Anakin, but the being he'd been transformed into on that horrible last encounter on Mustafar.

Could it be that he has survived? Or rather what's left of him has survived? Could that black monstrosity actually be a body armour to…well….keep him together after what happened? No, after what I _did_. Have I, involuntarily, created this…horror on two legs? Oh…Force. I should have had the courage to kill him. Truly kill him. It would have been a mercy towards him, and if what I suspect now is true also to the rest of the galaxy.

Force help me. What have I done?


	20. Musings

Ouch, I must have fallen asleep while writing last evening. It took me the rest of the day to get back home (how weird is it to call this place 'home'?) and I managed to carry my supplies up here and tuck away Emphie's saddle. I had more than enough time to think on my way back. Is it really possible that the figure, the Jedi Hunter, I saw on the holo could have been Anakin? Can he have survived the burns from the lava and the damage I did to his body during the fight? He's always been stubborn so I assume there is a very faint possibility.

And if so, what do I do about it? It's my responsibility, after all. I was his mentor, and I guess I still am in some ways. I have a bad feeling that he wouldn't be happy about more mentoring from my side now, though, not even if he's alive. But what if Padmé was right? What if there still is good in him? He is the one from the prophecy, after all, and even though I cannot see how it is possible now he would still be the one to bring balance to the Force.

Some balance that would be!

Could it be that the Jedi became too big and that the entire matter of bringing balance actually is 'getting rid of the Jedi'? But then again, if so the balance would shift and make the Sith alone, which wouldn't be balance at all. I need to talk to Master Qui-Gon about this when he turns up again. After all he was the one who first got the impression that Anakin was the 'Chosen One'. I never got the time to discuss it with him when he was alive. There should be more time for that now, with me sitting here and him…well…quite eternal, and ethereal as well.

I hope he will turn up this evening. I had partly expected him to be here now, but it's just as quiet as it were when I came home yesterday evening. Maybe ghosts cannot keep track of time? Or maybe he was otherwise occupied?

When that is said, I'm quite happy that I managed to make a very solid door. I saw footprints after several beings, who I assume must have been Tuskens outside the valley when I came back. They seem to be curious about me, but so far they haven't got any closer. I wonder why? They're not known for being timid and shy so it surprises me that they haven't appeared at my doorstep already, with weapons drawn and their gaderffii ready for combat. I'm happy as long as they don't. They are known as fierce warriors and I would really prefer a quiet neighbourhood, but I assume I won't have that wish fulfilled for all eternity. I can probably put up a fight yet, but there will be more of them than of me.

Came to think of it, I will have to start practicing the katas again. I can use the plateau outside as a training ground. I need to keep fit and have my skills with the lightsaber honed as much as possible in case I have to defend the Lars' family or myself. I must not allow myself to weaken.


	21. Anyone out There?

The holonews have really made an impact. When the thought struck me that there was a faint possibility that the armoured man actually is, or rather was, Anakin my brain went into overload. There is no better way to describe it.

What if Anakin is alive?

What if there are other Jedi, real Jedi, alive out there too?

I know what happened in the Temple. I saw the…result with my own eyes in the horrible holo recording, but what about the Jedi who were outside the Temple? Are they all gone too? Can I be certain of that?

What if there really are survivors and they need help? Can I just sit here and… do nothing, not even try to help them. Whoever and wherever 'they' might be? Can I live with that? I'm not sure I can.

I spoke to Qui-Gon about it this evening and he agreed with me. If there are someone, Anakin or others, hunting down surviving Jedi it must mean that there actually are someone out there. Or at least the Empire believe so.

I think they must be right. As efficient as Order 66 was, they cannot have killed all of us. Yoda survived and I did too. Admittedly Master Yoda is extremely strong in the Force and he had help from the wookiees but I'm not that strong and I survived. I had help from Boga, though, but still…. Others may have gotten help too.

There must be someone. It has to be.

And if so I need to help them, or at least try. But how?

There is no way I can get off this dustball unrecognised. I managed to get here but everything was so chaotic then and I had help from Luke. Nobody was looking for a widower with an infant, but if I'm travelling alone - that's an entirely different matter. They will catch me before I get on a klick's distance from the spaceport. Which must not happen. Then they will ask why I'm here, and not anywhere else in the galaxy. I must not put Luke in any danger.

An even if I were to get away, where should I go? I have no idea where other survivors may be and the fundings from Bail aren't sufficient that I can roam the galaxy just hoping to find Jedi. I surely need a better plan than that.

I simply have to do like Qui-Gon told me: wait for a solution to present itself.

If I'm meant to go searching, then the Force will give me the possibility of doing so.


	22. Visitors

Today I met my first pair of Tuskens face to face, or rather face to mask as they do not show any skin at all. In their culture it's prohibited. I remember the stories A'Sharad Hett could tell about their culture back in the Temple. They are fierce warriors and proud beings but if you are able to win their respect and keep it they are also faithful allies, if not friends.

This evening when I went down to see to Emphie they stood outside the entrance of the valley as if they were waiting for something or someone. I decided to meet them instead of trying to avoid them. I better get along with the neighbours out here and it's not like they're going to run and gossip to the Empire any time.

They were waiting patiently when I approached and they did not present any clear hostility at first. I literally kept my lightsaber at hand, though, hoping fervently that I would not need it. I didn't. When I was on about 10 steps distance I nodded to them to show respect but not fear. I just hoped they didn't misunderstand the human body language and took if for hostile.

They didn't. Instead they began talking to me.

Which was not good at all. Their language is mostly made up from consonants so it sounds like some kind of growling. I must admit that despite the broad language training I've had, I didn't understand a word - if they have words at all. It took all I have of negotiating skills and then some more to get a clue about what they wanted.

Finally I understood. Or…I think I understood. They sort of invited me to come with them.

To say I was astonished would not be to exaggerate. The Tuskens aren't really known for hospitality. But my curiosity (and maybe loneliness) got the better of me because I decided to follow them.

I don't know what I had expected would happen when we arrived at their camp, but what did happen was absolutely nothing. They gestured me towards a small hut and made it clear that it was mine to use so I thanked them as politely I could in my own language (guess basic will do as good as any other) and withdrew to 'my' cabin.

I don't feel any sheer hostility from them, but nevertheless I'm curious of what is going to happen tomorrow. This will be interesting indeed.


	23. Tusken Entertainment

I woke early in the morning together with the rest of the camp. I guess I'm not used to have other living beings so close anymore. In the Temple I could sleep through almost anything, especially in the morning.

I waited a bit before I stepped out and I immediately got a bad feeling about the rest of the day. During the night they had created some kind of an arena, square in shape and encircled by leather bands and I could hear them snickering when I appeared. Obviously something was going to happen and I was to be a part of it.

My suspicions were confirmed when two of their elders came to meet me. They obviously tried to explain something to me and from their gestures towards the arena I got my bad feelings confirmed. I was obviously to be the main attraction of the day. Still I could feel no direct hostility from them, more like an eager anticipation.

I was invited to stand at the first row. I assume it's an honor. At least it's an improvement compared to the arena at Geonosis because I wasn't handcuffed or tied up. Thank the Force for small blessings.

The battles began early with younglings fighting each other with their bare hands. Every time a winner was pronounced, the winner went to the next battle. After a while I could see the combatants growing older and more sophisticated in their fighting style. Hadn't it been for my still gnawing bad feeling I would almost have enjoyed it as I did with the lightsaber tournaments back home.

Almost.

As the level of the fights increased the combatants began fighting with their gaderffi sticks and I could see them becoming older, bigger and more adept with their fighting. Did I mention that tuskens are in general larger of stature than humans?

The winner was a giant, or as close to any as I've ever seen. By the time the final battle had been fought I was applauding like everyone else. Then the crowd quieted and I my creeping suspicion became true when my hosts gestured me towards the arena.

The newcomer would have to fight for his status in the society. Too bad the newcomer was me, and too bad I wouldn't be allowed to use my 'saber. That wouldn't have been fair.

I bowed towards the elders and entered the ring.


	24. The Contest

The giant was awaiting me patiently and the grin on his face didn't promise too well for my future health and wellbeing.

Someone threw a gaderffi towards me and I grabbed it. For the first time in my life I was almost grateful towards Maul for the battles we'd had. After the faithful battle on Naboo I had promised myself to be on top of things if I ever had to fight a light staff again. That decision had come in handy many times later and I was certain it would benefit my health today.

A signal was given and the giant came towards me with the gaderffi in attack position. I already knew that I couldn't fight him down with physical strength, I had to trust my agility in this battle so when he struck out for me I easily evaded the stroke and somersaulted over him. For the most recent years I've preferred Soresu, but right now my old skills in Ataru proved useful. He pivoted quickly for a being of his size but not quick enough. I managed to give him a blow over his back.

It was like hitting a rock. My wrists almost hurt from the impact.

Well, then I had to find another way. I continued evasive manoeuvres varying between Soresu and Ataru inspired movements and I could feel the frustration and anger welling up in him. Obviously he was the champion of the tribe and he would not give in willingly.

Given the Tusken culture I knew I had to win this fight, and I might even have to play dirty. My determination was strengthened when his gaderffi hit my ribs and I could feel one of the lower ribs giving in. Ow! That hurts just as much as it ever did before, and I would really not like to be confined to bacta treatment here - especially when the lack of such remedy was taken into consideration.

Time for dirty tricks had come. I needed to end this game before someone (mostly me) was seriously hurt. So when he came towards me and the next blow came I did not somersault over him as he had expected. Instead I crouched down rolled over and hit the gaderffi up - right between his legs assuming that that area of a Tusken would be just as vulnerable as for any human male.

I was right. He fell like a log, crouching on the ground and I assume only his pride kept him from whimpering loudly.

I took a defensive position and waited. There was no way I would attack a beaten being unless he rose and attacked me again. He didn't. After something that felt as an eternity, the leader of the games stepped forward and proclaimed something. I have no idea what he said but from the cheering of the crowd I assume he proclaimed me the winner.

My assumption was strengthened when my competitor finally rose from the ground, took his gaderffi and laid it down before me. I could feel shame and anger radiating from him - but also some kind of respect. The game leader gestured towards me and I understood that I was supposed to pick up the gaderffi and hand my own over to my competitor, so I did as I was told. When I entered the ring an elderly lady came towards me with something that resembled a mask and a couple of gloves, made of the same cloth that the Tuskens used in their clothes. Obviously I was supposed to wear it before I left the ring. Again I did as I was told. Anything to keep a friendly relationships with the neighbors.

The mask didn't smell good, that much was certain. Yet, when I had dressed in that which obviously appropriate Tusken clothing the cheering from the crowd increased even more and I was lead towards a huge campfire. The time had come for the post game banquet.

Their banquet definitely was a positive experience. I've eaten my fair share of 'interesting' meals on my missions throughout the years, but this one was one of the better. Their food was mostly based on meat and some kind of slightly spicy roots. The meat was really tender and had a smoky taste to it. They must have been using smoke and herbs for seasoning.

I can honestly say it was the best meal I'd had for weeks. And so was the company, simply because it was company. For once I wasn't alone with my thoughts and for a moment I felt as a part of …well, something. I had no illusions that the feeling would last but yet, I decided to live in the moment as Qui-Gon so often had told me and relish the feeling.

It was late night when the 'party' was over and my hosts and I withdrew to our respective quarters.


	25. Who's Talking Now?

I'm back home again. I woke up the morning after the duel with the giant Tusken and expected nothing at all. Would they let me go? Would there be another fight? Would they kill me? I had no idea, but since I'd got my lightsaber back after all, I wasn't overly concerned about the last choice. If they intended to kill me, they'd have to work for it.

I expected everything and nothing, yet I didn't foresee what really happened.

I had got up and extracted myself from the hut and almost immediately a Tusken came towards me. I wasn't sure if I'd met him the evening before so I just stood still and waited patiently.

To my surprise he stretched a hand towards me.

I was surprised. To my, admittedly sparse, knowledge of Tuskens they usually weren't too eager to shake hands, but since I had the "gloves" on I copied the gesture assuming that it wouldn't be too offensive. We shook hands. His grip was firm but not crushing.

"Me..A'Khel," he said.

His voice was deep, almost growling, but the basic words were understandable.

"I am Ben Kenobi," I said.

For a moment I thought of presenting me by my real name but I managed to rein myself in just in time. I do not fear that the Tuskens are conspiring with Palpatine, but who knows how far words can go in this region.

He nodded thoughtfully.

"Ben… Now, that's easy name for Sharad Hett's brother."

I gaped, like a fish dropped upon the Tatooinian dune sea.

"Sharad Hett?" I repeated, rather unintelligently so.

"We seen….lightening staff. Like Sharad."

Oh. Not good. Obviously they had watched me from a distance and seen me practice the katas with the lightsaber.

I just nodded, -no reason for denying the obvious. He came quickly to the point.

"You watch…Tusken sacred valley. Tusken want…go there. Sacred place," he added for good measure.

I nodded again.

Obviously I had had my regular luck and settled somewhere near a sacred place for them. It was seemingly a miracle that they hadn't tried to kill me in my sleep to get access. Not that I sleep very much nowadays, but still… As they obviously knew about Sharad Hett they seemed to respect my 'lightening staff'. I could think of no other explanation.

"Leave my cabin and the eopie be and you're free to go to your sacred place," I confirmed.

Far be it from me to keep them from their sacred places, as long as they let me in peace.

"Sacred place…through valley," he explained.

I realised I had to make it simpler. His basic was rudimentary, to say the least.

"You go to sacred place," I said, "not kill me, not kill eopie."

This time he seemed to understand.

"Tusken go to sacred place…one cycle."

I wasn't sure if he meant a day or a month or maybe a year's cycle so I just nodded.

"Tusken can go to sacred place," I confirmed again.

And with that the matter was settled.

He nodded towards me, turned on his heels and left me, returning to the group of elders from which he had come. An eager discussion arose, but finally they seemed to agree.

He returned.

"Tusken go sacred place. Ben go home. No fight."

I nodded again (I had stopped counting my nods by now.)

I didn't expect anyone to follow me, but they did. A small group of warriors, not unlike those who had come to pick me up a couple of days earlier, followed me out of their camp and back home. When we came to the stairs I whistled and Emphie came running towards us. I put a hand on her neck and said firmly "mine" before I began ascending the stairs. Hopefully that would prevent her from being their next feast.

They continued further into the valley and I returned home.


	26. Observations

My training with Qui-Gon has continued and I spend some of my time on the plateau over my cabin meditating. I can, technically, do it everywhere but there is a spot up there which is in the shadow of the cliff so it's not as blasted hot as the rest of the plateau. Besides, it give me a fine view over the area.

Today I saw the Tusken tribe passing through the canyon. Obviously they were going to their sacred place. The two who followed me home a couple of days ago were probably only scouts, because today it must have been almost the entire tribe.

I did my best to stay out of sight. I really do intend to keep in good terms with the neighbours now that we have come to this understanding but I do also admit that I'm curious about this sacred place of theirs. When they have left again I may go there and at least see what it is. Hopefully I don't break a taboo by doing so. That would certainly not be good.

Yet, there's something pulling me towards that place. I've felt it before when I've been roaming the area but for some reason I have chosen not to respond to the urge. It feels like it would bring me sadness somehow. It's really weird. I know my background is a bit blurry since I was found nearby the Temple but Tahl did some good piece of investigation trying to find my ancestors and for sure there are no Tuskens there.

I will go there as soon as I see the Tuskens leave.


	27. The Sacred Place

I don't know what they did there or how they honoured their sacred place, but I was fairly determined to find out how their place looked like. I assume curiosity is nourished by solitude. I didn't really keep watch but I stayed by my cabin to such an extent that I had the chance to see the Tuskens leave - unless they for some reason chose to stay by their sacred place. Well, at least I got the chance to practice the meditation techniques Qui-Gon had taught me before he vanished to wherever he is when he's not visible. Obviously I'm not advanced enough yet to be told where that is.

Two days later the Tuskens returned, walking through the entrance of the canyon in a long row. I waited one day more for good measure but then I assumed they'd all left. I chose to leave Emphie behind and walk by foot. I went further into the canyon than I'd ever done before even past the Krayt Valley and saw it widen considerably. After coming through the narrow canyon the open air was almost refreshing, despite the higher temperatures in the open landscape.

I stopped and had a look. The ground was covered with grass. Real grass, though admittedly not very green and rather sparse. I assumed that this sign of humidity might have been enough for claiming the place sacred but I had a feeling that this wasn't the reason for deeming this place sacred after all. There had to be something else.

It didn't take me long to see it. Actually I would have seen it once I came out of the canyon, if I hadn't been so mesmerised by the grass. It was there, almost in the middle of the open space, partly buried in the soil but yet with a dull metallic shine to it. A small spaceship, or by a closer look at it, more like some kind of an advanced escape pod. Definitely larger than the ones we used to have on board the "Negotiator" but still quite small in terms of space travelling.

I approached carefully. The only trace I could see from the Tuskens was that the grass was flat, pressed down by numerous feet. They didn't seem to have entered the ship at all, just moved around it.

I went closer. The metallic surface was dull and worn by numerous sandstorms over the years. It seemed to be ancient. I could see the welding of the plates that formed the hull of the ship being definitely more visible and rough than in any new ship. Whomever made this ship had done a thorough job because despite it seemed to have crashed into the ground it was surprisingly intact.

A hatch could be seen on one side of it, close to the ground but not more so than a small being could have managed to get out. But who? And when? I kneeled down and touched something that seemed to be a handle on the outside and pulled. I had never for a moment expected it to open up, but it did. And in that moment I felt a pang of something…familiar. Something like a memory from very long ago which reminded me of laughter and comfort and friendship. And just as that, the feeling disappeared and something else came instead. It was like a maelstrom of fear, confusion and sadness. Oh, the sadness was so overwhelming that it almost brought tears to my own eyes for a moment. Then it was gone, and I peeked in.

The cabin inside was small, not surprisingly so. After all it was a small ship. In the rear end I could see a cylinder, open on one side. It seemed almost like a safety container for a living being. If this ship was as old as I thought, maybe the one travelling in it would need some extra protection or oxygen or something else?

I had no idea, but one thing was certain. The pilot or rather inhabitant of the small ship had vanished years, or rather centuries, ago. The cylinder was definitely empty and I felt strangely grateful that the being inside had been able to get out.

I closed the hatch carefully again and stood up. Obviously this place, and this ship, had some meaning to the Tusken, but I had no idea what. Maybe they had considered the ship as something sent from the gods? Maybe the being inside had done something to then that they valued? I could only guess, but there was no way I would ever find out. If I ever came across the basic speaking tusken again, this was really the one thing I didn't want to ask about.

Somehow I had a feeling that they wouldn't appreciate my presence on their sacred ground.

Quietly I returned the same way I'd come.


	28. The Surprise

I left the Tuskens' sacred place in deep thoughts. I could rely to the thought that their ancestors had considered some ancient space traveller some kind of a deity, but I would it more difficult to believe that todays's Tuskens didn't know better. I was also contemplating my own weird feelings for the place. The feeling of something familiar had been so overwhelming and I was quite certain that if Qui-Gon had visited the place he would have told me by now.

I was, to say the least, confused.

However, I didn't reach back home before a new surprise appeared. Just before I was began to climb the stairs to my cabin, a sleek ship flew low over the mountainsides. A Lancer Class ship if I was not mistaken. Whatever that meant, I was pretty sure it was no good news, so I decided to not try to get home. If that 'someone' was of the less friendly kind I didn't want him to get any clues about where I lived.

I was right in doing so. When I emerged from the canyon I crouched down behind a couple of large boulders just in time to see the ship land. Kriff it by all the nine Sith hells and back again… I really wasn't in the mood for visitors.

In particular not _that_ visitor.

Never had I wanted to see Ventress again. Not here. Not anywhere. And yet, here she was. Arrogant and cold as ever. And just as unpleasant. Still, if I had had a choice I would leave her be, even after our…not so pleasant encounter at her castle on Rattatak, but there was no way I could let her go now when she'd recognised me. Master Qui-Gon always told me that I had multiple choices, but in this case I really couldn't see any good alternatives.

She was the first one to draw her 'sabers. I followed suit.


	29. Nemesis

The fight was short and intense, and I was, after all, glad I had practiced my katas intensively for the last few weeks. Ventress had always been a formidable opponent and she still was. For some really long moments she had the upper hand while I tried to keep her at bay with my Soresu ('try, there is no try?') then I realised that 'trying' wasn't good enough. Keeping at bay wasn't good enough. As much as I resented the thought of killing, there had surely been too much of that already, I had to get her off my tail permanently. I simply couldn't risk that she found out about the twins. She was too clever, too angry, too sly, too…everything. Nor could I risk her defeating me and bringing me back to that hellhole of hers on Rattatak. It may make me a poor Jedi, but I couldn't stand the thought of being captured in that torture chamber again.

I had to kill her. It was my only option.

So I did. For a moment I managed to manoeuvre her into a position where she was blinded by the suns and that was enough. My lightsaber pierced her. I missed her heart by millimeters so she lived for a couple of minutes before she died in my arms there in the sand. Somehow it felt right, and…by the Force, I think she felt it too. At least, at this last moment of her life, she wasn't alone.

Somehow it made _me_ feel lonely. There had been some kind of bond between us for many years. It was definitely not fed by any kind of love, but still it was there. She had been my tormentor through those hellish months at Rattatak, but still I could see the little girl within her, losing her parents at a too young age, and then losing Ky Narec years later. Her life had been a life of losses and bad choices, and I couldn't shake off the feeling that the Order somehow had let her down.

I will never cease to wonder what she could have been if the Order had found her right after Ky's death.

But that was all in the past and so was she. The only thing I could do for her now was to bury her properly so I took her ship and flew into the mountains and somewhere near the Valley of the krayts I lit her funeral pyre. Somehow it felt right to give her a Jedi funeral, not to honour what she was, but what she could have been.

I watched the last embers die, then I hid the ship in one of the caves and left the place by foot.

I had lost an old acquaintance (another one) and won myself a ship. Hopefully the krayts wouldn't see it as some kind of rival and 'kill' it. It might come in handy one day.


	30. Timing

By all the stars and moons in the galaxy, Force ghosts really have a lousy sense of time. I came home early in the morning, cleaned up a bit and went directly to sleep. After being away for weeks Qui-Gon found it appropriate to turn up after what felt like 2 minutes of sleep. I later realised it was more like four hours but still too little after two days with very little sleep it still was sleep deprived. How I managed to function during the Clone Wars with merely minutes of sleep at a time is beyond my imagination now.

But there he was, safe and sound, though a little less visible in clear daylight, and with a smug grin. Even when I was a padawan he enjoyed making me get up early….

The grin disappeared quickly enough when I recapitulated the events from the last days.

"Padawan, are you hurt?"

This time it was my turn to grin, albeit not too merrily: "No, not physically at least. But killing Ventress was… not a good feeling at all."

"As it should be," Qui-Gon agreed, "A life taken is a life lost, though I understand why you had to do it."

I could see from his face that he was in deep thoughts.

"I'm a bit curious about the old ship you found. I remember Tahl once mentioning that she'd seen something like that on one of her missions. She talked about a ship on a desert planet, being surprisingly well preserved. She never mentioned which planet though, but it might have been here."

I sighed.

"That may explain why I got a feeling of something familiar when I touched it. Tahl had a strong Force signature so maybe some of it was lingering. I'm more concerned about the new ship though. Ventress' ship. Now I have the means to get off this planet if needed be."

"Or if you simply want to," Qui-Gon said dryly.

"Well, yes… I know I'm supposed to stay here and watch Luke, but everything is quiet here for the moment and I cannot hang around the Lars' homestead too much. I do not want to draw attraction to the place. And I have this nagging feeling that there are other Jedi out there. I just don't know where."

"You want to go looking for them?"

It wasn't as much of a question than a statement really and I nodded slowly.

"I think so. Yes. I just don't know where I should start looking."

Qui-Gon stroke his bearded chin. "Where would be the most reasonable place to go for anyone being nearly killed by the clone troopers?"

"The Temple, of course. I set up a warning, but if someone were on their way before I changed the message, they may very well have been in hyperspace and not noticing the change of the recording. But that wouldn't help much. The Tempe is a pile of ruins, right now. Parts of it were still standing when I was there but, I assume the Emperor have had it demolished even more."

Our debate continued for a while and I realised that there was actually a chance that someone would have been able to reach the Temple and if they had, they might be in dire trouble now. The Temple, or the remaining parts of it, would be carefully surveilled by the Empire, that much was certain.

And for the same reason I couldn't go there myself. I had let Anakin be 'The Poster Boy' of the team but still my face, or rather General Kenobi's face, was too well known on Coruscant for my likings. I had to find a workaround. There was no way that I could go there directly, ship or not. And, for what I knew, Ventress' ship was likely well known by the Empire too. After all she had been Dooku's acolyte for several years during the war. It simply wasn't safe enough.

For once I decided to heed Qui-Gon's teachings quite literally. The ship would be good for now and I could allow myself some time to think about how (and where) I possibly could approach Coruscant and the Temple.


	31. Corellian Brandy

It took me a while to make up my mind, but here I am. I spent a couple of weeks trying to negotiate an agreement with myself, and somehow I won. Or lost. Depending of one's point of view, I guess.

At last the decision was made and I headed for the only friend I'm sure I have left in this galaxy, or rather hoped I have left. Things change so rapidly nowadays.

I headed for Alderaan.

Going directly to Coruscant wouldn't have been wise at all. I assume that must be the most guarded spaceport in the galaxy. Instead I chose a hyperspace route to Nar Shaddaa, assuming that not even Sidious or the Empire can manage to keep a complete overview over that place. I was right. After numerous changes of coordinates (did I ever mention how I hate flying?) I managed to land there without drawing any attention to my humble self. Or, apparently not so humble. I did my best to appear as a self confident smuggler who needed a place to park his ship while spending some of his…ah…recent earnings. After a generous bribe I was shown a docking in the outskirt of the spaceport where I could dock the ship.

It took me a day or so before I managed to get transport further to Alderaan. I snuck on board a Corellian freighter and I must admit that I had to mind trick the pilot to accept me on board. In former days Qui-Gon would have kicked my sorry butt and let me run three perimeters around the Temple for such frivolous use of the Force but under the circumstances he might have done the same. No, actually, I'm sure he would have.

Finding Bail and Breha's castle was easy enough, getting in unnoticed demanded a bit more effort, but only a bit. Force enhanced leaps have shown useful before, and so they were now as well. I got over the fence easily enough and approached the castle through the gardens.

I decided to make a direct approach when I saw a woman sitting there bottle-feeding a baby which I surely recognised in the Force as Leia. How she has grown. Leia, that is, not Queen Breha.

The Queen was just mildly confused by my appearance and I introduced myself by my right name, and only minutes later Bail came down to greet me. I have hardly seen anyone as astonished as him when I appeared.

I was offered a room to sleep in and a decent bath. Force how good it felt to be clean. It's the first time I have felt clean since Mustafar. They even managed to clean my clothes in no time. Thank the Force for modern facilities.

After dinner we withdrew to the lounge and then I was the one who was shocked.

I had expected that Bail would try to organise some resistance towards the Empire together with what remains of decent senators in the Senate. After all some of those who signed 'The Petition of the 2000' were left, though they had been forced to pledge their loyalty to the Empire.

What I did not expect was that he simultaneously had begun planning an armed rebellion as well. I was stunned. Haven't this galaxy had enough of war for a lifetime, or more? Slowly he managed to make me see his point, and I must to my regret admit he has a valid one. This Empire, being led by a Sith Lord, is not likely to abandon it's power voluntarily. Nor is it likely that they will make the galaxy a better place for it's inhabitants. If I've learned anything through my life, it is that tyrants don't leave power behind of their own free will, and a Sith is the ultimate tyrant.

I couldn't, wouldn't, accept a position as a General in his rebellion-to-be, at least not openly. My duty is to protect Luke and, when he becomes old enough, teach him in the ways of the Jedi. Thus I cannot openly appear alive.

Bail must be a better diplomat and negotiator than I thought (and maybe the Corellian brandy helped a bit too) because when the evening was over and I went to bed (and what a wonderful bed it is) I had promised to help him as much as I could without revealing myself in the open.

I must be the galaxy's greatest fool, but…could I do otherwise?


	32. Coruscant

I never thought I would be back again. Ever. Even though a Jedi should not know attachments and even though I've seen more than my fair share of other worlds throughout the years I've always considered Coruscant to be my homeworld despite the fact that I was born on Stewjon. It should have been a pleasure returning, but it wasn't. Coruscant used to be a planet full of lights and life (even though the lights mostly were artificial) but now it feels dead. It wasn't perfect, far from it, and the lifeforms in the lower levels of the city was not leading pleasant lives at all. Yet, it was very different from the Coruscant I met today.

It's like a dark veil has covered the entire city planet and people seem somber and…scared. There is hardly any life and laughter left to see. They try to appear as normal but I can feel the pain in the air.

So much does one single Sith influence an entire city.

It's horrific and utterly uncivilised.

Good thing about it for me is that it has strengthened my faith in doing the right thing when I promised to help Bail's growing resistance as much as I can.

I followed Bail in his personal ship when he returned to his duties in the Senate. As we entered orbit and came close enough to see the Temple I was mildly shocked of how it appeared from above. When I left I was to concerned about what I would find on Mustafar to even look back but from above - Force help me…. Where one previously saw the serene bright walls and shining spires there now were only ruins left. The walls were charred and partly collapsed and the south spire was just a crumbled mess of stones. The east spire didn't fare much better. Somehow the central spire had survived the attack and gleamed as it used to do.

That single glimpse of light gave me a tiny hope.

What had been done here couldn't be undone, but there is always a little hope that things can be better again. Right?

I chose to believe it for now.

We will all need to have faith if we're going to re-establish the republic and create a better world.

….

Upon arrival I hid in the aft compartment and let Bail and the members of his staff leave without me. It took me a while but after some thinking I managed to create a diversion and soon after I was on my way out of the spaceport.

I headed for the second place in this world where I possibly would be safe. I headed for Dex' taverna. Dexter Jettster and I go way back. He was originally one of Master Qui-Gon's acquaintances but he soon became my friend too. And obviously Bail's as well, as I had been advised to go to his place.

He seemed to be as pleased to see me as I was to see him and I was offered a bed for the night (and an emergency exit if a razzia should appear). I could sense that something was going on. When I arrived in the late hours he was busy packing some crates in his storage area. I didn't ask. Some things are better unspoken nowadays.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring.


	33. The Bendu Temple

My senses didn't betray me. Something was going on, but I'd never expect exactly what would be happening. I had a nights sleep at Dex's place (no razzia disturbances, though) and I had to spend the following day there as well. I used the time well to catch up on some of my meditations while Dex was working as usual.

The surprises came in the night.

As darkness had fallen I was led out into the backyard where a young Iktotchi asked me to follow him. I did not sense any danger, so I followed him without hesitation but kept my 'saber in a position where it would be easy to get in case something should happen.

The youngling led me through a maze of walkways and lanes, deeper into Coruscant's lower levels than I'd ever been before. Not even when I had to drag Anakin out of those Sithly illegal vent shaft diving races of his did I come this far down. It was a weird feeling. The underlevels of Coruscant is a dangerous place but as we proceeded (and my young companion surely knew where to go) the lanes became less and less crowded. At last there were nobody around, and I actually noticed sloping ground under my boots.

It was a surprise indeed.

The artificial levels on Coruscant hardly ever slope. There are stairs and hoover lifts but no slopes. I got an increasing feeling that we actually were down on the ground levels of the city. I've lived most of my life on this planet and never touched the real planet surface before. It was an intriguing but also vaguely worrisome feeling. We didn't touch ground for a very long time though. Soon we stopped and my companion began lifting a huge flat slab, obviously using the Force. I thereby concluded that there was at least one more Force sensitive left in the Galaxy but myself and Master Yoda.

We proceeded through numerous shafts on various levels before we came to a pile of Iktotchi became very quiet and I sensed that he was using his species' extreme skills in telepathy to communicate with someone else inside the pile. And a huge stone rose from the pile. We entered the opening quickly and were met by two Jedi, one of them (the Iktotchi) was undoubtedly Master Jaa, while the other (a Devaronian) was unknown to me.

The two men took over the lead and we continued into a huge room with mosaic decorations, and suddenly I realised where we were. The old sagas about the Jedi Temple's origin said it was built upon the remaining of an old Bendu Temple. I had never been so deep into the Temple myself but I realised that this had to be it.

It was mosaic showed a landscape with sloping hills, green forests and clean water, gradually shifting between the seasons of the year. The natural seasons, I must add, as Coruscant has had artificial climate control for the last centuries. It was breathtaking.

I didn't get too much time to enjoy the view though, because all too soon I heard determined steps in a corridor. A tall, dark being appeared and I lost my ability to speak completely (something which Master Qui-Gon would have enjoyed immensely had he been present).

"Obi-Wan," the deep voice of Master Windu greeted me, "it's a pleasure to see you again."


	34. Old Friends

Never in a million years had I believed that I would see Mace Windu again. At least not until the Sith rose from their graves and took over the galaxy. Which, of course, might have explained him standing right in front of me in the old Bendu Temple and looking just as alive as I.

Well, being as alive as I, actually.

I was, once again, speechless.

I had expected him to be as dead as most other Jedi, but here he was alive and apparently well, except for one prosthetic arm. It was nothing more than a miracle. I didn't expect more miracles to happen but when Ahsoka, my old grandpadawan, appeared it almost brought tears to my eyes.

She had been Anakin's Padawan for sure, but since we often shared missions she became a bit mine too. I had missed her after her leaving the Temple behind. I'll never admit it in public but this was the happiest day I'd had since Order 66 was executed. And it became even happier.

After Mace and Ahsoka had informed me of how they'd survived through the last months we all went to bed. Ahsoka was adamant that I should borrow her bed while she curled up in a heap of blankets on the floor. Hadn't I been so happy to see her I'd almost been insulted. I'm not that much of a fossile yet, thank you very much.

The next morning I rose to muffled voices out in what appeared to be the common dining hall. The sparse population consisting of 54 initiates and 11 masters silenced when I entered the room and I could hear the whispering, recognising the word "Kenobi" from multiple small voices. I felt, frankly, quite embarrassed and I could feel the heat flush my face. Even with my now rather tanned skin the blush could easily be seen.

And in a moment it was all forgotten when I saw an oh so familiar face near the end of the table. Bant was alive. My childhood friend and 'little sister' from the creche. The one who always had my back when no-one else did, and the one who always were there to comfort me when things had been going wrong.

She had survived. This time at least one tear managed to escape, and blast it to all the nine Sith hells with the 'no attachment' rule. It doesn't count anymore, does it? Not when one learn that parts of ones family still are alive and the galaxy is shattered to very tiny pieces? Bant's hug was as strong as always and I could smell the salty scent that always followed her species - this time admittedly mixed with some dust. It's hard to keep a millennium old sub terrestrial living space free of dust.

In that moment I was as close to being happy as I've been for, well, years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of the readers may find that the stories of how Obi-Wan's friends survived should have been told. For those of you who are curious you may have a look into my story "Shadows" - chapters 20 and 21. I just didn't want to rewrite that part in this diary as it is focusing more on Obi-Wan's thoughts and reactions.


	35. In the Shadows

Qui-Gon sometimes told me that I had some affinity for trouble, and the older I get the more I think he may have had a valid point there. When I decided to go back to Coruscant looking for other survivors I'd never seen myself attending a rebellion, nor had I seen myself entering the vaults of the Temple to get funding for rescuing young initiates and supporting the aforementioned rebellion.

Now I've done both. With Mace's help we were able to enter the vault and get out some of the more valuable and easy to sell (and carry) treasures inside. A Jedi shouldn't possess anything but for the Order - well that's another matter indeed. Throughout the millennia riches had been gathered.

We had a plan for evacuating the Temple if we were able to acquire a ship. We had a place for the surviving Jedi to stay. A place far enough out that the Empire wouldn't be too troublesome. We just had to get the ship.

And I had a nagging feeling that there was one more thing for me to do before leaving the Temple forever. I simply needed to go back to my (our) old quarters. The Force was somehow calling me there, and even though my more sensible self told me it was a bad idea, I couldn't resist. I had to go.

….

The Jedi Temple has been my home for as long as I can remember. The last time I saw it before heading for Mustafar it was still home, even though it was bloodstained and charred. Now it bore an eerie feeling with it. Where the halls previously had been lit by brilliant electric light or by soft lanterns it was now dark and where young and elder voices alike previously could be heard there was now none. Which was good for me. Voices would have meant people and people would likely have meant clones, or rather stormtroopers as they obviously were named now. I knew almost every nook and cranny of the mid-levels by heart but yet it was a rather challenging task finding the section of the east wing where Qui-Gon and I, and later Anakin and I had lived. I found it at last and with some moderate frivolous use of the Force I managed to open the door.

The feeling of entering the apartment was bittersweet indeed. It bore so much of my story in it. First the years with Qui-Gon with it's pleasures and troubles alike and me as the revering Padawan, and then the years with Anakin, with me as an uncertain and to some extent unwilling Master. Being the Master of Anakin had been a pleasure indeed, but also one of the most challenging tasks I've taken upon me in my entire life. Now in hindsight I cannot fathom how the Council could grant me that title, young, inexperienced and griefstricken as I was at that time. But they did, and the rest is (unfortunately) history.

My own sleep chamber was approximately as I'd left it last time I was here. In reality it's barely a year now, but it surely feels like a centennial. The east wing actually was quite intact and not as demolished as the more central parts of the Temple. Yet, I wasn't quite sure what I was doing here or what I was looking for so I settled down on the closest (dusty) meditation cushion and closed my eyes, intending to let the Force guide me.


End file.
